she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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