My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
So apparently I’m into choking now
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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