is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
