just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
