I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
