Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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