I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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