her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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