After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
