I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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