I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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