Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
