If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
