Plan B is the new Plan A
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
you had me at cake vodka
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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