I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
