Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
