I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
