maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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