I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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