mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
