Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
