You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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