I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize