Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize