Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
