i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
