the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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