i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
