wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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