sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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