I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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