is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
