Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize