i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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