Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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