DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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