I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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