I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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