I just cut my nipple shaving
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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