I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
