sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
