I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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