so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
We named our party play list daddy issues
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
