he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My ATM looks so different sober.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize