i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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