you would pick up someone in the library
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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