You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
