Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
