if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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