i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Ambien. No doubt about it.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
