11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
