the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
