Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize