i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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