Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
