im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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