Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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