you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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