i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
