the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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