take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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