where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
