Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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