____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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