remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
